Well it took a good while to blow the dust of this long neglected blag, But like Jumanji it just keeps resurfacing.
So yeah it's been an interesting year, more ups and downs than a 5 star theme park (see i kept in pg13 right there) a whole heap of hobby wobbles, a lot less hobby work than i hoped and a battle with a dark old dog that many of us know too well.
And that's where i want to start today.
You see the web is full of motivational memes and posts, lots of advice and things to watch out for in friends and loved ones when it comes to that old black dog. Depression.
But i don't recall seeing much about seeing it in yourself and that's what i thought could be raised.
You see like so many other people out there in the hobby world and wider world in general, I have for as long as i can remember fought an endless battle against depression. I hate it like i hate myself when it strikes. But over the years i have come to recognise the signs of it's approach. Learning that has helped me arm myself to fight back against it.
I'm not going to bullshit anyone and say it's always effective because that would be a lie. But it has helped stave off some of the bouts.
To give some context to the whole discussion and post lets skip back through time.
I have and suspect i always will have pretty poor self esteem issues, i can bs this off a lot with false bravado and a don't care attitude. But truth be told, it's real. It goes back to being that kid at school that had a face like pepperoni pizza with extra pepperoni. Sure as i have got older it's got a bit better but there are days where even at 43 years old, i still look like i lost a fight with a wasp nest.
But on my normal and good days, I can wave off the comments and say 'i am who i am'.
Over those 43 years I have had varying bouts of depression the first hit the hardest and was the one and only time i went to see a doctor about it. Working 13 days in 14 and doing 12 hour shifts to try and stay out of financial debt got the better of me and i stood at work ( on the railways) and found myself thinking of how easy it would be to just step off the platform and in front of a train. That woke me up and was that start of a very real battle that still goes on.
I have lost friends to suicide. People say 'how could they, why didn't they get help' You usually know these folks have been blessed with not seeing the old black dog.
There's been personal loss too a couple of years ago the man i most admired in my life (my step dad pat) was taken after complications due to heart surgery.
This year my mum who i wasn't close to (long difficult story) died of a massive brain bleed.
There's been other stuff relation ship breakdowns, not seeing enough of my kids and a million other little pebbles that add to the mental and emotional avalanche. But that's another story for another day.
But as you can see, there's been a mix of the usual over the years.But that's enough of the woe is me.
So how do i see the bouts coming.
Usually the 1st sign is i start to lose interest in my hobbies. I will stop going out to play airsoft, i will lose all motivation to paint or play the games we love.
It's a mixture of several other signs that forces it on. But its usually the 1at real sign. Too tired to play, no belief i can paint, no point in playing etc etc.
The second sign is usually one everyone notices. Health and hygiene. You stop caring about how you look, dress, smell etc. If like me you try to stay fitter than just a couch potato, then gym visits or general exercise goes to the side. Usually that tiredness sign is there again. It's not a great combo as its a noticeable one and not everyone will see it or understand it and some people will comment on it. Which adds into the third sign.
Self hate. People will say things and in many cases they are things that on your good days you would laugh at. But at this point it's usually more like a knife to the gut. Some of the comments will be about the fall is health and hygiene. A lot of those comments will come from one place though. Yourself. As you slip along this road you will start to hear everything people say in a negative way and everything you see as a slight against yourself.
You will see things like your better half being tired in themselves as them just not wanting time with you, or not being bothered about you.
It's about this time that the real mind demons come out to play. Why should i bother, nobody cares, i could go away and nobody would notice etc etc etc.
Its when you get to these points that you really need to try and act.
Now myself. Well maybe it's the stubborn taurean, or the strength learned through military service or just the experience of battling depression, but i have learnt to recognise the signs to some extent.
As i write this i haven't played airsoft in about 5 or 6 weeks. I have struggled to find the motivation to paint though it has come and gone. I have barely lifted a fitness finger since i did a challenge back in September and most tellingly of all. I have mentally been taking everything as a slap.
So i am writing this on the arse end of another attack, but i have realised it's happening (otherwise i sure as heck wouldn't be writing this post).
Now i can't promise the answers, only to try and help you maybe recognise the problem.
When i get one of these attacks i find my answer these days is to go running. I find the quiet time (even in a busy small town) gives me a chance to clear my head, the exercise kicks up a few positive feelings and I can start to fight back.
But that's what works for me. I can't promise it will for you. But do try to find something you can't take a real positive feeling from. For some it's voluntary work, others it's exercise, some it's music (also works for me sometimes) or maybe it's a walk with the dog in hills or woods. But if nothing is helping then please get to the docs and try to talk to someone.
I hope this reaches some of you fighting this horrid fight and helps, i really do.
Now of course this is at it's heart a hobby blog.
I would in even my darkest moods be remiss not to share something hobby related with you.
So here's some of the paint thrown at plastic results for the year to date. Because we all need some plasticrack in our lives!.Enjoy.
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